I went to see my new old primary care physician today…finally. I changed my medical insurance twenty-six days ago and was informed it would be active on May 26. Subsequently, I scheduled my appointment for May 29 to ensure proper coverage of my visit. I also had changed my primary care from a fictitious doctor to the doctor I actually see. THAT change, I was not informed, would not take effect till June 1. At least, I went in well prepared
- 1 Diagnosis Form > APLA Housing Assistance
- 1 Diangosis Form > PAWS/LA
- 1 Request > Non-Stick glucometer
- PET results > Orthopedic consultation > Compression fractures & Dislocated shoulder bone.
- 2 Biopsy results > Oncology consultation > Papillary thyroid cancer
- Dermatology referral > biopsy > Kaposi sarcoma
I actually showered for this appointment. I coordinated my clothing. I put on my crochet hat and my knit cowl. I smoked a bowl before I left, ensuring a mellow attitude. I felt “happy” by the time my Uber driver picked me up.
I arrived at the clinic and immediate eyed a super hot boy. Knowing he would never even consider me as a mate, I allowed myself to fantasize for about fifteen seconds, knowing I might spot a more desperate, homeless guy that I could fully fantasize about while waiting to be called in. Sure enough, but not hot enough to distract me from knitting.
I was in the examination room, the door open. The hot boy walked by, with a not-hot friend – albeit fit, and looked in on me. I instantly felt embarrassed, worthless, and less than because I felt he was laughing at the ugly monster. I lost it and had a hard time reigning it in by the time the doctor walked in. While going over the multiple reasons for my visit, I had to ask for another minute to gather myself…again. While going over my requests I felt hopeless, diseased, unwanted. I am losing it again while typing this post. STOP!
Then I started thinking how fucking stupid I was to be creating shit up in my head to make me feel miserable. I am broken, misfit. I lost it again. I am pretty sure it was humor that helped me back to balance again, but still I am obviously on shaky ground.
Just spoke with an acquaintance regarding lunch plans today. I accepted despite my shaky emotional state. This is me overcoming.
The Truth: I am a monster; I just need to find someone that likes monsters 😦